In
London, two addict boarded
the bus. One of them gets on the second floor and immediately goes back,
all pale:
- Friends do not go upstairs, there is no driver!
- Friends do not go upstairs, there is no driver!
Midwinter addict stands by the open window of his room.
Enter his mother:
- But what you do! Close the window!
- Why?
- Well, see how it's cold outside!
- And if you close the window, outside will be warm there?
3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.
So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.
Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look. "
Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes."
Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?
Landing At An Airport
A pilot and a co-pilot were descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield, and suddenly exclaimed to the co-pilot: "Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I've never seen one that short!"
The co-pilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you're right! That's incredible! Are you sure we can make it?"
"Well we better, we're almost out of fuel."
So the captain got on the intercom, and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees, and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down, and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control. The pilot's hands were sweating, the co-pilot was praying.
They touched down, and came screeching to a halt just before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking.
"HEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the captain. "That runway was SHORT!"
"Yeah!" said the co-pilot, "and WIDE too!"
Enter his mother:
- But what you do! Close the window!
- Why?
- Well, see how it's cold outside!
- And if you close the window, outside will be warm there?
Going round
the military bases, Macedonian President Kiro Gligorov opened two bombers and
decided to attack the United States. He called Bill Clinton and told him he
would pound Boston.
While two
aircraft dropped bombs on American cities Macedonians dug and waited blowback.
Waited a week or two - nothing. Gligorov again picked up the phone and told
Clinton that this time will be bombarding New York. Planes bombed again,
Macedonians again and again dug two weeks - nothing.
On the
third week Kiro Gligorov again rang the USD counterpart and threatened him:
- Clinton
today blasted Washington!
In response
to the headset is heard:
- Dirty
bastard, only to find you on the world map will tell you the game!
Two mothers talk about their sons:
- My son walked with a psychologist and is now engaged in meditation. I was never clear what it is, but it is better to meditate instead of standing with arms folded and with nothing deal.
Three stages of male prowess:
1st stage: the man comes home late from work, a woman waiting for him at the door with a broom.
"You will clean the floor or you will be flying somewhere?"
II stages: the man comes home from work one night, she lies in bed and pretends to be asleep. The man took a chair and sits in front of him "sleeping" woman and watching her. The woman did not resist and asked: "What are you doing?"
He said: "As the theater begins, I want to be in the front row!"
III stages:
A man comes home from work in the morning, happy, all in lipstick and smelling of perfume ladies. Woman in kitchen, breakfast now, furious, turned his back.
Man goes to her, claps her on the butt and says:
"You're next!"
Crazy patient high stated:
- I am Napoleon.
- How do you know? - It asks another patient.
- God told me. From another room spread cry
- I have not told him!
What is the similarities between politicians and prostitutes
Both and others do everything for money.
Both and other hate those who lie below.
Both his and other eating caviar and champagne.
Both they and the other ride in nice cars.
Both long and the other to rotate the mirror before going out in public.
Both are attractive and the other for maniacs.
Both other and often work with their mouth, but never with his brain.
A man enters the bedroom where his wife, carrying a sheep under his arm and says:
- Do you see that pig? It should have sex when you're not a fun!
His wife replied:
- You know that this is not a pig and a sheep?
- Do you know that I speak of the sheep ...
One day the army sergeant told his soldiers:
My soldiers, I want you all tomorrow with shaved heads! The next day only Private John was not shaved. When the sergeant passed through the beds of soldiers to see whether they are shaved, Private John put his ass on a pillow and covered. When it came to the sergeant yelled enraged:
-How many times have I told you not to sleep two together?
Two mothers talk about their sons:
- My son walked with a psychologist and is now engaged in meditation. I was never clear what it is, but it is better to meditate instead of standing with arms folded and with nothing deal.
Three stages of male prowess:
1st stage: the man comes home late from work, a woman waiting for him at the door with a broom.
"You will clean the floor or you will be flying somewhere?"
II stages: the man comes home from work one night, she lies in bed and pretends to be asleep. The man took a chair and sits in front of him "sleeping" woman and watching her. The woman did not resist and asked: "What are you doing?"
He said: "As the theater begins, I want to be in the front row!"
III stages:
A man comes home from work in the morning, happy, all in lipstick and smelling of perfume ladies. Woman in kitchen, breakfast now, furious, turned his back.
Man goes to her, claps her on the butt and says:
"You're next!"
Crazy patient high stated:
- I am Napoleon.
- How do you know? - It asks another patient.
- God told me. From another room spread cry
- I have not told him!
What is the similarities between politicians and prostitutes
Both and others do everything for money.
Both and other hate those who lie below.
Both his and other eating caviar and champagne.
Both they and the other ride in nice cars.
Both long and the other to rotate the mirror before going out in public.
Both are attractive and the other for maniacs.
Both other and often work with their mouth, but never with his brain.
- Do you see that pig? It should have sex when you're not a fun!
His wife replied:
- You know that this is not a pig and a sheep?
- Do you know that I speak of the sheep ...
One day the army sergeant told his soldiers:
My soldiers, I want you all tomorrow with shaved heads! The next day only Private John was not shaved. When the sergeant passed through the beds of soldiers to see whether they are shaved, Private John put his ass on a pillow and covered. When it came to the sergeant yelled enraged:
-How many times have I told you not to sleep two together?
Blonde fills a reissue of your bank card. Do not know what to write in the "cause". Employee helped her:
- Miss, write "three times incorrectly enter the PIN code."
The blonde write:
- Miss, write "three times incorrectly enter the PIN code."
The blonde write:
"Incorrectly enter the PIN code.
Incorrectly enter the PIN code.
Incorrectly enter the PIN code."
Ophthalmologist received for his birthday crystal eye, in which instead of pupil placed his picture.
- How fortunate I am not a gynecologist! - Thank the doctor.
Piglet comes in a shop and asked the shopkeeper:
- These bags are filled with what?
- With a pooh - she answers.
Piglet sighed sadly and said:
- Oh, Winnie, Winnie!
Piglet comes in a shop and asked the shopkeeper:
- These bags are filled with what?
- With a pooh - she answers.
Piglet sighed sadly and said:
- Oh, Winnie, Winnie!
3 guys were riding in a car: a hardware technician, a systems analyst, and a programmer. The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.
So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.
Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look. "
Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes."
Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?
Landing At An Airport
A pilot and a co-pilot were descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield, and suddenly exclaimed to the co-pilot: "Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I've never seen one that short!"
The co-pilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you're right! That's incredible! Are you sure we can make it?"
"Well we better, we're almost out of fuel."
So the captain got on the intercom, and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees, and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down, and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control. The pilot's hands were sweating, the co-pilot was praying.
They touched down, and came screeching to a halt just before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking.
"HEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the captain. "That runway was SHORT!"
"Yeah!" said the co-pilot, "and WIDE too!"
